What Happens When No One Listens to YFGM?

Well, the Fairy GodMother gets grumpy that's what. I don't know if it's
that time of the month (where I usually get a bit irritated by the presence
of Daniel) or it's just the circumstance of what happened the other night.
Daniel is usually, a font of problems - both imaginary and true - and my
normal role is giving him advice. I have to admit that my advice has been
repetitive, well because the same problems keep coming back. What pisses
me off is the fact that whenever I give advice it just doesn't stick to
Daniel's brain. It usually rub this off as him being stubborn and a bit
forgetful.

I did notice one thing though, it seems that when a good looking guy says
the same thing / advice as I did, he raves about it and really ponders
about it. This didn't happen just once, and not only does he stop with
just receiving it, he has to flaunt it in my face on how wise and great the
advice these guys give him.

OK fine! It's part annoyance of not being listened to and part jealousy.
I beat myself up the first night it happened. I vowed not to let it affect
me anymore. My solution - stop giving unsolicited advice to Daniel. It's
just a waste of energy on my side. Besides maybe he'll grow sensitive and
finally notice that he keeps on hurting me.

Yeah, and maybe I'll win the lottery.

Single or Couple?

May 23

Had lunch/drinks with Tim and Philip (together with the rest of the college
gang) yesterday. I was a bit off, I don't know if it was just my lack of
sleep (had only a total of four hours sleep from celebrating Luke's
birthday with the other guys) or if it it was just because they were drunk
and that I'm sober. It felt like they were on a different plane than mine.
I don't really mind the stories, it's just that when they become drunk,
stories get to be repeated and repeated.

It wasn't that I was envious of them. No, that's not it. I think it's
just the fact that they were discussing stuff they did as a couple didn't
really have that much of an impact in me coz I simply could not relate.
True, I haven't really had a serious relationship so I had nothing to base
whatever stories they tell me. Plus the fact that, as of now, I don't
think I'll be able to handle one - thus have no intentions of entering into
one.

I guess it's just that they're hanging out with other couples and me with
single guys just doesn't make out. I'm not going to deny that I do wish
that sometime I'll have a partner of my own and that I'll be able to have
dinner with friends who themselves have their own partners. It's a pretty
picture. Doesn't every guy want that?

But then again I'm generalizing once more. The pink community is so large
and diverse that the idea of weekend dinners is not for everyone. Plus,
for some reason I can't see myself hanging around with straight couples.
Especially those of my female friends.

But who knows? Maybe someday. For now I'm content of being single and
fabulous.

Broken Sonnet by Hale

Broken Sonnet - Hale

And now i concede
On the night of this fifteenth song
Of melancholy, of melancholy
And in this next line
I’ll say it all over again
That i love you, i love you

I don’t care what they say
I don’t care what they do
‘cause tonight i’ll leave my fears behind
‘cause tonight i’ll be right at your side

Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And i will never let go
Will never let go

The clock on the tv says 8:39 pm
It’s the same, it’s the same
And in this next line
I’ll say it all over again
That i love you, i love you

I don’t care what they say
I don’t care what they do
‘cause tonight i’ll leave my fears behind
‘cause tonight i’ll be right at your side

Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And i will never let go
Will never let go

I’ll leave my fears behind
‘cause tonight i’ll be right at your side.

Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And i will never let go
Will never let go

But still i see the tears from your eyes
Maybe i’m just not the one for you

Verse

Like I said, I joined the gym a couple of weeks ago. For the first two
sessions, I was assigned a personal trainer - Verse. As it so happens,
this is the same personal trainer that handles Daniel. I have no problem
with Verse, actually he's much likeable as a trainer - he assists and tells
you what to do and what for. He gives one stretches when one's muscles are
sore. Stuff which are expected from him.

As usual, my problem is with Daniel. It seems Daniel developed a
crush-slash-infatuation on Verse. Last Friday, Daniel played a practical
joke on me. The joke went as if he asked Verse out to dinner last Thursday
and he got drunk. He supposedly held Verse's hand and kissed him.
Normally I would have easily detected the joke but given the circumstance,
and the fact that Daniel is under the influence of his medicines, I can not
be sure.

My reaction was kinda mixed that time. The foremost reaction was that of
irritation. This wouldn't be the first time that Daniel would have done
something careless and stupid when under the influence of the medicine. I
have learned to ignore such stunts but the implication of this current one
would have been more far reaching that those he previously made:

(a) Verse is married and has a kid. If there is one thing that is
consistent in me and relationships is that I always not to get involved
with people who are involved. Having a wife and a kid obviously falls
under this. Getting involved in such things affect and would eventually
destroy not only your own and the other person's life but also that of
others who are innocents.
(b) He is also my own Trainer and he knows that Daniel is a friend of
mine. If the incident did occur. It would be very awkward for me and
Verse.

My second reaction was more personal. It was one of jealousy and
self-depreciation. I always have to convince myself that I am simply in
love with Daniel and have no intentions of hooking up with him. However I
cannot help but compare my own attributes to those of whom he is attracted
to. It is a bad habit and one that I intend to stop. I know that I cannot
and must not change just to be liked by someone. I know that if I have to
change it is in order for me to feel better about myself.

Another thing I need to change is the fact that Daniel can easily have an
affect on me. That small joke was almost enough to shut me down. It took
me some effort to shrug it off and continue on. I have to develop that
ability to just shrug off whatever Daniel can throw at me.

Bottomline is, as much as I love Daniel and that he's my friend, he has his
own life. As long as his actions do not cause any interference in my own
life, he is free to do whatever he wants and accepts the consequences of
his own actions - by himself. I believe that that is the only way for him,
and for me, to learn.

i'm so thin i'm fat!

Yup, you read that right. I just got the results of my Body Fat estimate
and it seems my body's at the 20% Fat range. With my current 141 lbs
that's 28 pounds of fat!

OMG!

I made some computations and here's what I got: If I'm to bring my body
fat down to 10%, that means I'm supposed to lose 14 pounds of fat. I'm
assuming all of those are stored in the mid section of my body. If I do
remove that, I'll be down to 127 lbs. If my ideal weight is at 153 lbs.
that would mean I need to gain 26 pounds.

As per my trainer, it is estimated that I gain one to two pounds a month.
That means, I need thirteen months minimum of losing a pound of fat and
gaining two pounds of muscle per month if I'm to achieve my desired weight.

Oh well, there's still 392 days to go. I just hope I still have the drive
by then.

is it really fitness first?

For some reason, gay guys and the gym go hand in hand. It's possible that
gay guys just appreciate the male anatomy more (their own and those of
others) that they hit the gym more often than other people do. For the
last couple of weeks talk of joining the gym has been popping in and out of
the group's discussions that I've likewise decided to check it out.

I've only joined Fitness First gym for a couple of days now and my Trainer
told me that I have too much fat in my skinny body. I guess I really
should take this seriously. Based on his estimates, I would have to gain
one to two pounds a month and reach my optimum weight by six months (just
enough time for the Thailand trip - if that pushes thru). My concern is
whether I should retain him as my trainer or not. It's going to cost more
money but then I would be forced to really work out. Most of the guys I've
talked to (including Johan and Michelle) say that I really don't need to
here him but just do lots of cardio and work on the arms.

Okay, enough of me. Back to the subject matter. Is it really a matter of
fitness being the first priority of joining the gym? Well, Paris says he
needs to join the gym coz he's gaining too much weight and needs to trim
down. That's almost the same reason as mine only from the reverse
direction (losing instead of gaining weight).

Luke, it seems needs to do the same thing - lose weight. However his
motivations are much closer to that of Daniel - to get a better body so
that they could flaunt it to their ex-es. Kinda like an
in-your-face-you-dumped-me-and-now-see-what-you-lost kinda thing. I'm not
really sure if that's healthy. It kinda says that these guys are still not
over their ex-es. Hopefully their hearts will heal the same time that
their bodies become better.

Two to One

Paris was supposed to head down to his territory to transfer his clients to the new Account Manager but it seems his schedule has once again been moved. I just hope he'll be able to make it to Luke's birthday next week. His best friend would surely kill him if he wouldn't be able to show up.

Since he's still here, we decided to have coffee with Luke (KC joined us soon after). We headed down to the Fort in order to hide from our officemates, specifically his boss as they know he already flew out early part of this week. Coffee and stories smoothly flowed as usual.

The topic for the afternoon was Paris decision to call it off from Steve. I think the root of this decision was that Paris wasn't happy in the
relationship. Luke had a point when he said that if they couldn't reconcile their relationship this early into it what are the chances that they would be reaching the "long term" the two were aiming for.

So for now Paris is once more single and loving it. I'm just not sure if KC knows that.

* * *

Another aspect that caught my attention was the fact that KC, a 19 year old guy, was hanging out with us. Don't get me wrong. He's fun to have around and, more importnatly, he makes Paris happy. But it does have raise some
questions. For one thing, the guys are in their late twenties or early thirties. They normally have different concerns to talk about - jobs for one thing. Not to mention the amount of money these guys spend on a nightly gimick. I'm not sure what's KC's monetary status is but he is still a student afterall. I'm just afraid it would be awkward for KC and the guys at times.

This was further emphasized when he was picked up from Pizza Hut by his parents while we were having dinner. It's not normal for a 19 year old guy to hang out with older guys. I'm sure it's not an issue within the group but one can't help but to be worried what others would think about him. Sure he's mature for his age but his peers are not as jaded as the peers of the rest of the gang.

Overview

By this time, you're probably thinking "who are these guys and why are
their lives so confusing?" It's really not that difficult but I think it
would be better if I give you an overview of who's who and what the
situation really is.

Let's start from me - not that I'm self absorbed or something (No, don't
listen to what the others say). It's best to start from me coz I'm sort of
the glue that binds everyone together. Much like the core link in
Friendster that connects everyone else. My name's Miguel, though my
friends call me Migs. I'm way past my 30s and still single. Why? That's
part of the story but maybe for another time. I'm just your average Joe
(or Jane depending on how you look at it).

Anyways, my first friend-link would probably be Tim, my best friend. Tim
and I went to the same college but we didn't really click as much as when
we did after school. Sure we did have the same interests when we were
still in the university but we sorta developed that quasi telepathic bond
that we share 'til a couple of years after that. No, we didn't get
romantically attached or something, it's more like a siblings sort of thing
that we share. We don't really hang out as much as before since he got
attached to Philip. They tend to keep to themselves and thus haven't
really been a part of the last couple of month's adventures.

Speaking of hanging out, the person I've been spending time with is Daniel.
Daniel is my neighbor and has been a friend of mine for seven years now. I
knew of Daniel from Elementary school but didn't hang out with him until
seven years ago. I'm not being biased when I say Daniel is this kind,
beautiful and intelligent guy. (Shut up guys!). He however does have the
tendency to be quite intense at times - moving from low depressions one day
to super hyper the next. He just broke up with his boyfriend of almost two
years after he found out that the latter was sleeping around. Daniel's
currently dealing with the depression brought about by that situation.

Connected to Daniel is Mark, his straight best friend. How can one
describe Mark? Paris once said that Mark's the type of guy who can make
fun of himself and have a great time doing it - no inhibitions. I have to
agree with that. As to why he's hanging out with the pink people? I can't
really say. He's currently dealing with the separation from his wife and
two kids and probably finds comfort with the gang. I think he's one of
those few guys who are confident enough with their sexuality that they can
embrace the culture - a true fag stag.

On the opposite end of the friend-link is Paris. Paris is my officemate
for five years now. Tim says he knew Paris from High School. Anyways, I
didn't know Paris was a team player until early February this year when we
bumped into each other at the bar, Government. We became better friends
since then. Paris' currently in the dilemma is that he's in love with both
the mature and secure Steve and the young and joyful KC.

The last member of the group is Luke, Paris' best friend. This six foot
tall guy is likewise the most butch of the group (butcher than Mark at
times). He's into helicopters, big bikes and other mechanical stuff (while
the rest of the posse are talking about clothes). Luke just got out of a
three year relationship and has been turning to the online community as a
source of rescue from him loss. Most of the time he's OK but there are
still bump of the road which makes him wonder about the loss he suffered.

Everyone does have their own story.

What? Me? Fine. He's my drama: I've been in love with Daniel since I
first saw him seven year ago. No, I'm not hoping for some fairy tale
romance that we'll eventually end up together. I'm dealing with it - in my
own way.

Checking out the boys

May 09

Paris seemed to be doing much better than he was a couple of days before.
Well, that's from what I can tell when I was talking with him over the
phone. I guess meeting up and spending time with Steve and KC (not at the
same time I hope) enabled him to shift thru his feelings and finally decide
on who is much closer to his heart.

I think the Luke and Paris clash has ended. They're heading out for coffee
at ABS where, according to Luke, is teeming with some cute guys. For some
reason, drinking coffee while watching cute guys pass by does have some
therapeutic value. That ambiance and an open discussion between the two
should enable them to iron our their misunderstandings.

* * *

I dropped by Festival Mall to get a long overdue copy of "X-men Age of
Apocalypse". I was tempted to check on SBC to see if Daniel was there.
But I quickly dismissed the thought, thinking it would bring no benefit for
me to meet up with him. I guess I wasn't too careful for the next thing I
knew somebody was shouting out "Migs!" from the middle of the mall.

I looked back to see Mark, Daniel's straight best friend, waving at me from
the top of the escalator. I signalled him that I was going to circle back.
I knew Mark was working at the Mall giving away pamphlets but I didn't know
they would be there quite late, guess they're working on a different shift
that mine.

"Hey buddy!" Mark greeted me as he did the customary handshake. From the
corner of my eye I say Eve walking towards me and gave her cheek kiss.
"You really do like me!" Eve commented to my astonishment. "You always
bump into me. Are you following me or something?"

"You caught me!" I laughed with her. Eve's this forty something lady who
thinks everyone she knows is lusting after her or wants to marry her. I
guess I've just been added to the list.

"Where's Daniel? Aren't you two together?" She asked as she looked
around.

Ouch. "No, I just got off work and just picked up something. He's still
probably at work." I dodged.

"Well, why don't you call him so that we can all have coffee or something."
Eve suggested as she moved back to her desk.

"He'll pass by when he's ready" Mark answered her. I don't know if he was
just answering for nothing or did he actually know something and was
covering for me.

"So how was Boracay?" I asked as Mark panicky pulled me out of Eve's
hearing range.

"Shh!! She doesn't know I went. She thinks I went and do some seeding or
something." Mark laughed. "Still, Boracay was great! Quite different from
the time we were there! There were so much eye-candy!" Mark exclaimed.

"That's great! Did you score any?" I replied hoping Mark was able to get
some coz he sure needed the distraction.

"Nah! But, I'm telling you! There were so many! I mean from the yacht
there were already two!" Mark continued with his story.

"Two?!" Not really that really that eager to hear about girls but what the
heck.

"Yup! Two white guys! You should have been there! You guys would really
have enjoyed it" He said with this stupid looking grin on his face.

Wait. Did he say two guy?! Is it possible that Mark is checking out guys
now rather than girls? I don't think I can handle that right now.

Awkward

The group was supposed to meet up at around 7 p.m. and head for Tagaytay. Since I had time to kill, I caught the 4 p.m. show of Orlando Bloom's "Kingdom of Heaven". I got a call from Paris at around 5 p.m. and messaged him back that I was inside the movie house and couldn't return his call. He replied via SMS that he wouldn't be able to join us that evening since he had to meet up with KC. I kinda figured he had to do his own thing and agreed, sending him another SMS that he should inform the other regarding the change of plans.

The movie ended at around 6:15 p.m. and decided to call both Luke and Paris. Luke said he would pick me up at the Greenbelt area at around 7:00 and that we should head straight to Tagaytay by then. He didn't mention if he was able to talk with Daniel but decided not to ask since I knew that would probably tick him off. Called Paris and found that out that he was having pizza with KC at Yellow Cab in Glorietta. I got to meet up with two. It was the first time that I saw KC and I have to say that he looked quite different from his pics and also from Steve. They agreed that they would join us at Tagaytay on the grounds that they need to meet up with a friend of theirs and that they would be ready by 8 p.m. Paris was able to call Daniel (who just woke up) and confirm that he was still going.

Since they were heading somewhere near Rockwell, I greed to move to the Rockwell mall to make it easier to meet up. I gladly killed time checking out the different stores since it was rare that I shop at Rockwell. At around 7:30 p.m., Luke arrived and decided that we eat at Brother's Burger while we wait for Paris and KC. It was quite obvious that he was preoccupied with something. It turns out that he was distracted by the fact that his current chat buddy is into posting pics of his anatomy on the net as well as considering attending orgies. He was also concerned about
his best friend's current situation of being caught between two relationships. The mere fact that he was with Steve yesterday and with KC did not fit well in his perception.

At around 8:30 p.m. Paris and KC called up and asked if they could be picked up at Greenbelt instead of Rockwell. An annoyed Luke grudgingly agreed and drove to pick them up. In fifteen minutes we were finally heading for Tagaytay. The trip went well considering that Luke was still kinda annoyed and that KC was feeling a bit uncomfortable about being in the car. The fact that he knows his situation with Paris and Steve, and the idea that both Luke and I knew about it and yet were not talking about it made it seem worse. We tended to ignore that part and playfully asked KC to sing. The kid had a low voice and Paris insisted that he has was a
good singer.

We arrived at Tagaytay in less than an hour. Luke quickly wanted to have coffee to calm his nerves. Paris, however, wanted a change of scenery and asked if they could simply eat at Pancake House. This exchange quickly threatened to become a fight as Luke and Paris' tempers started to flare. I had to step in and put in a compromise. I sent Paris and KC to order their pancakes while I accompanied Luke to buy coffee at Starbucks. Things were starting to cool down when Daniel arrived. He greeted Paris and KC and proceeded to head outside where me and Luke were smoking cigarettes. After exchanging pleasantries, I excused myself and headed back to Pancake House to join Paris and KC, leaving Daniel and Luke outside.

When Pancake House announced that they were closing we all left for Starbucks for another round of coffee. It was pretty weird though since there were tension between Paris and his best friend Luke, as well as, as between Daniel and me. I almost felt sorry for KC as he had to witness that on his first night out with the group.

We packed up at around two. I left with Daniel. To an outside observer it would seem normal ride between two friends, but it wasn't normal. We would talk about the events happening to Paris' situation between Steve and KC as well as what was happening with Luke but we didn't touch anything with regards to what was happening in either of out lives. Good thing it was a short ride home. I found out that it was worse in the other car wherein Paris and Luke were not talking at all.

Hope things clear up soon. It shouldn't stay this awkward between friends.

coffee bean & stories

Friday night was supposed to be Videoke Night for the group. However, Paris begged off since he needed to talk with Steve. It seems they're getting another rough patch in their relationship since Paris tried breaking it off with KC last night. So it was just me and Luke at the Coffee shop while we waited for the arrival of Daniel who was caught in the Friday traffic.

We passed the time talking about Luke's passion on RC Helicopters. As a child I was likewise into RCs, not as much as my other cousins but I do have my own ground based jeeps which I would race across the lawns. Given this background it was easy for me to understand what Luke was talking about. We also touched on the topic of on-line dating which Luke seems to be so into lately. It was obvious he didn't want to talk about my current situation with Daniel and would just comment that I should just move on and date. Easy for him to say.

Anyway, Daniel arrived after an hour. He was in his old hyper self - obviously from the zolof medicine he was taking. He's still in his clinically depressed mode so he takes his daily dosage of the drug to balance himself up. It was evident that Luke and Daniel were talking during the past couple of days coz Luke was just asking for updates rather than the whole story. From what I can gather, Daniel has been hanging around the chatrooms and tried meeting up with a guy. Well, that turned out to be a disaster coz Daniel was simply looking for conversation while the other party was looking for something more. Turns out Daniel had to run out of the condo apartment as the other guy started to become frisky. Am not really sure if I should feel pity for the guy or smack him once at the back of his head for being stupid.

It was becoming awkward for me since Luke and Daniel were talking while I was talking with Luke. Topics intended from me to Daniel where relayed via Like and vice versa. Good thing Paris and Steve arrived. It was by then that we decided to move to Friday's for dinner. Conversation became more smooth as there were more people in the group. Still, one could send the strained exchanges between me and Daniel. Am not really sure what it was but it seems I was reluctant to hear anything from the guy in fear for being drawn back into his world. Actually I was dreading the idea of the ride home with him.

My salvation arrived in the form of a phone call from Daniel's best friend Jason. It seems Jason arrived early from his Miami trip and was in the Metro to have some fun. Interesting enough they were likewise heading for Friday's. That solved my dilemma about the ride home but it did bother me when Daniel had to voice out "I'm sorry Migs, but I can't drive you home as I have to stay with Jason. Hope you understand." Heck, I can get home by
myself. Why does he need to make himself seem nice to me when he really doesn't know what's going on inside me.

Sigh. I just hate being a drama queen.