Providential

"Providential"

That's how Paris describes last Saturday's (or early Sunday's) incident.

A bit of background before I explain why: Bumped into Daniel at the Gym in
the morning. Wasn't really planning to, but Anne kinda screwed up the
schedules and made mine coincide with Daniel. Anyway, after a week of not
seeing him, we had lunch and coffee together (offsetting all the plans I
had for the day, which included getting my phone repaired and going home
and prepare before meeting up with the gang for that night's videoke
gimmick).

During which time Daniel told me that he wouldn't want to go to Makati for
a wholesome night out with the rest of the gang coz of several reasons,
namely
(a) Makati is too tempting a hunting ground for him. He fears he'll be
exposed to other teamplayers (and his ex) and that he might jump on any
chance he could even though he doesn't want that.
(b) He doesn't want to bump into his other group which is of "bad
influence" to him
(c) He's avoiding the temptation of going to the hot spots and be thrust
into the action.
Bottom line, he said he can't go and asked me to explain to Paris and Luke
why.

Well, the videoke session night out went well (even if Luke had to leave
since he had a date with Stellar Eyes). By twelve, Paris, KC and I were
still wired and decided to hit the road. We joked of going to Government
but when we got there we found that the crowd outside was pretty thin and
decided to move to Malate instead. Inside the car, I was joking that we
should bump into one of Daniel's friend. I even added that it would be
funny if we went there and found Daniel with him.

Guess what. It wasn't funny. When we got to Malate, I spotted the friend
along one of the tables in the bar outside of Bed. I jokingly pulled Paris
back to point him out. To our shock, there seated beside him was Daniel.
He must be likewise surprised coz he hurriedly stood up and started to
explain himself. I don't think Paris and I were in the mood to listed and
waved him off. We decided we needed a drink and went in to Bed.

After a while, Daniel came in. He said hello. But still pissed at him, we
just gave him the cold shoulder.

Same thing happened when he came over to say he was going home.

Can you blame me for being a cold hearted bitch?

Paris is more pissed coz he things that Daniel might have been just making
excuses and avoiding the group.

I'm pissed coz I've been betrayed and lied to.

I guess the coincidence was still working for me. In a sense Paris is
right, that night has indeed been Providential. I got to see the side I
didn't want to see.

Hopefully, that incident have knocked some sense into me.

I think it has.

Different Planes of Existence

In one of the theories of existence I've read, it states that aside from
the world we're living in are other planes of existence - different
realities with interwoven connections. Except for rare linking points, each
plane is effectively its own universe with its own natural laws. For
example, there is our plane (the material plane) which coexistent with that
of the Ethereal Plane - a plane which is mirrors that of the Material plane
but exist in a different level. That is, these two planes overlap each
other and yet stuff from one plane cannot affect those on the other. On
many levels, that's how one can describe my existence with Daniel and the
thing that I have to realize.

Hale: Here Tonight

I bought the Hale CD a couple of weeks ago and had Daniel hear it. He
didn't really say much or made any sign he appreciated it. I though, fine,
we have our own taste in music. That was until yesterday when he told me
that he now likes the CD after Mark's wife had him listen to it.

Okaay!

I don't know if I'm just being a bit too sensitive about it but doesn't he
have the decency to at least recognize that I was the one to have him
listen to it. Oh yeah, he doesn't know I would feel hurt about it. I'm
too sensitive and he's a jerk.

I should really stop setting myself up like that.

That was strike one. Here's strike two. He says his favorite song in the
album is "Here Tonight", a song about a guy who was left by his love. Like
come on! The guy left you! Get over it! For pete's sake, the guy's
pimping himself on the internet to get f*cked! You're crying over someone
like that?!

You know what? I am tired of hearing the Cain stories. An I'm tired of
writing Daniel stories.

* * *

Here Tonight

Hale
So long to you my love
dont be afraid to run away
I know you'll be okay
just take your time to find

but I need you here tonight
I need you there inside
I need you here tonight
I really really need you here tonight

made up my mind on this
too late for me to hold you back
maybe too short or dumb
to try for you but I will anyway

It's all my fault
to feel this way for you that day
i know I am and I will
though it's wrong, so wrong

cause I need you here tonight
I need you here inside
I need you here tonight
I really really need you here

I need you, I need you
I need you here inside
I need you, I need you
I really really need you here

Guilty

In the last couple of weeks, Anne - the girl fromt he office at fitness first - has been reporting to me that Daniel has been going thru some rough times. It's weird that I hear these stuff from her since Daniel has only known her for a couple of weeks and now he's confiding in her.

Maybe that's the case. He can confide with her and yet not with us - his friends. What happened? Paris did tell me once that Daniel became somewhat apprehensive of telling me his problems. Now Anne tells me that Daniel got to drinking when he lost his sale for the month. I didn't ask if he drank alone or with is other friends. The fact that I didn't know about this kidna tells something about me being a friend.

Was I really that so self absorbed with my own feelings that I forgot my duties as a friend and eventually pushed my friend away during the time that he needed me?

But that only rises the question on whether he really needed me at that time. Was it guilt I felt or was it the yearning for the idea of beeing needed?

Apprehensive

Paris shared somethign to me regarding Daniel that made me think. I think I previously mentioned that Daniel tried quitting taking his meds in liue of trying to take control of his own emotions without their help. Anyway, during the first day he felt extremely lonely and called his ex, Cain. I guess he felt miserable about doing that. He told me this story a couple of days after the incident and added that he called Paris to ask for advice.

I felt both jealous and relieved at the time that Daniel talked to Paris at that time of need and not me.

During dinner yesterday, Paris however, let it slip that Daniel was apprehensive about calling me and talking about his problems. Well, what do you know the b*stard does have some feelings. I guess he finally bought a clue and figured out all those vacation times I asked were because of
something.

I just wonder if he really knew that those time outs where the time I had to recollect myself so that I wouldn't lose myself in him coz I would be falling in love with him again.

Bottomline, I'm still unsure if I'm happy about not being told or if whether it's better if I'm there for him...

Let's Face It

June 08

It was kikay day. Luke, Paris and I had our facials this day at "Let's Face It". It probably looked weird for those at the salon since there's these three guys dishing stuff to and fro while having their faces cleaned and treated (Paris and I had seaweed masks while Luke had Collagen and Eye mask treatments). It between face pricks and teary eyes, we tried to catch up with whatever was happening with each other's life: Work, dating, gym, KC, etc. I guess it was inevitable that we talked of Daniel since Paris did invite him once to a facial session.

It was pretty weird to have these two other guys talk about Daniel since I'm normally the one who would constantly talk about him. Actually I was kinda wary about bring back the topic - always guarding myself on saying too much about Daniel. Anyway, as Paris points out, it was inevitable that we don't talk about him coz we are a group and that Daniel is part of that group. I guess I was kinda self absorbed there.

Hustler

June 04

After a long day at the gym and mall-ing (window shopping, coffee and
watching two movies) the last thing I was expecting was to be approached by
a male hustler - an escort. I've been having dinner at Shakey's Pizza
Festival mall when I noticed this guy who kept looking at me from the
outside (Shakey's has been renovated into this open area wherein the people
inside can clearly see outside and vice versa). Anyway, I noticed the guy
was standing there lifting his jolibee cup and raising his eyebrows to
catch my attention. I immediately tagged hi for an escort as I've been
taught by the glen people on how to notice such. I ignored the guy as much
as I can until I was finished with my meal. The last thing I wanted was to
mistake any recognition as an invitation to dinner. I did occasionally
looked up to see if he was still there and if he was as good looking as
when I first glanced at him. After my meal, I quickly went to the
restaurant's washroom to hide all my money in a safe place just in case.

Once out of the pizza place, I headed for the other direction the guy was
located. He quickly dogged my steps. Curiosity got the better of me and I
decided to investigate. I stopped over at the balcony overlooking the
mall's activity place and waited. As expected, he stepped beside me and
without much further ado asked me for the time. I gave it to him and he
quickly introduced himself as Alex. I gave him a pseudo name and he made
small talk. Within minutes though he was saying that he wanted to say
something and was awkward about it. I aid, I had no idea what he was
talking about and would be open minded enough to take whatever he had to
say at face value.

He then asked if I had experience with another man. Playing coy I said I
did, once before. He continued asking if I wanted to repeat the
experience. He said he was more than willing to do whatever I wanted - for
a price. I guess I got insulted and tired of playing at that time and
started making excuses as that I lived far (which he said he could easily
travel to) or that I was tired from the gym (to which he said he was more
than able to make up for and do all the work). Bottom line I walked out.

So what did I get from the experience? A first hand experience of the
flesh trade. I honestly would have wanted to become friends him. To learn
more about him. I did feel kind of sad and insulted that he marked me for
a target. Was it possible of that in some level I was sending out to the
world the fact that I was sad and lonely? Or is it more possible that I
was just too gay and easily spotted. If that may be true, should I do
something about it? Who does the Fairy GodMother turn to when he has
questions? Paris offered to talk about it, but I don't think I'm ready to.

You And Me by Lifehouse

"You And Me"

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything he does is beautiful
Everything he does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

* * *

This is Daniel's favorite song as of the moment. I've had it for quite a
while on my mp3 player at the office but I didn't quite give it much
thought until Daniel asked me to listen to it a couple of Saturdays ago. I
have to admit that LIfehouse has some great vocals but the lyrics kinda
found me thinking about "our" situation.

Seems I've been losing time just watching him. I don't know how to tell
him stuff and how all the (even the weird) things he does just gives some
sort of light in my otherwise bleak life. I mean it's been seven years...

If It Ain't Broke...

In the last couple of months, I've been a witness to Paris' dilemma of
figuring out of whom he "needs" to be with - Steve or KC. I think much
tears have been shed from all parties and they just can't figure out how to
solve their dilemma.

My advice to Paris was to take his time and try to sort himself up without
the influence of the other two. Upon coming back from his trip he was
expecting to have some sort of decision making process and decide. I guess
fate had other plans. The second day back, he had a date (or two) with KC.
When it was to connect with Steve, the latter simply said he was fine and
was already dating. To think of all the anguish they suffered only to
have the situation correct itself.